everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
