Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Randomize
