My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
