he shaved USA in his pubs
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
