I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
The Olympian is in my bed
Randomize
