woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
