i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
