I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
