my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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