I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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