dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
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