So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
