You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
