I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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