you turned your livingroom into a bong?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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