im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Randomize
