She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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