I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
