I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
