my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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