You can't motorboat a personality
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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