i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
