my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
