The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
