Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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