Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
