if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Randomize
