dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
