i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
