Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
