wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
