Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
