I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
