I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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