a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
