Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
