Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
