I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
