I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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