My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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