you traded sex for a burrito?
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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