i'm signing you up for texting rehab
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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