A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
