As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
