Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
