If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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