I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
