If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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