Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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