My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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