I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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