Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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