I heard we made out
True but thats because hes a fetus.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
