my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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