my mouth tastes like poor choices
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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